


Ljubow

by Liffis



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Feelings, Gen, Introspection, Love, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 19:07:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16938999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liffis/pseuds/Liffis
Summary: There should be a better term than just 'love' to describe what he's feeling for Nicke.





	Ljubow

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have more of Sasha being terribly utterly mushily IN LOVE with Nicke.

Sasha didn’t expect to fall in love with Nicke the way he did. Actually he didn’t realize he was falling in love with him – except by now it’s been more than a decade and he just cannot imagine a life without him. 

And he’s not sure if that’s love, the way Nicke has carved his place not just in Sasha’s life but also in his ribcage, in the softest place right behind his ribs. And there he is, now, and no force on earth could rip him out of there without bleeding Sasha. 

He wants Nicke, with a force that surprises him whenever he realizes this tiny fact. Which means: whenever he goes to play for Russia, he does. It is different, in Russia, among Russians. There, he realizes how Nicke is missing, like an ache, a void, a too-soft and too-vulnerable gape in his side. It’s too weird when he’s gone like this – Sasha always expects to see him, turns to crack another joke at him, expects Nicke’s dry humour at some of the others’ jokes or behaviours. 

Texting him or calling him doesn’t quite curb this. It doesn’t stomp out the missing, and it doesn’t solve anything. 

Of course he can live without Nicke, has done so, before Washington. It is possible, of course, it’s not like they’re surgically attached. But he doesn’t want to. He wants Nicke. Not just in his life – or, well. Not just in his life the way he’s been so far. 

He’s drowning in Nicke and wanting in ways he’s unfamiliar with, ways he cannot express. He has no words for the wanting. There is no way for him to explain how he – wants to smell Nicke’s hair in the morning, and maybe laugh quietly at how messy it has to be. Or feel the stubble under his fingers when he traces Nicke’s jaw. Or pull Nicke closely against him and not laugh it off afterwards. And there are a million more things he just wants, with a force like getting checked off the ice with a concussion. 

Calling this ‘love’ feels stupid. Love in general feels stupid, as if that one word can cover everything and all Sasha is feeling. It isn’t, it’s just a single, stupid word that doesn’t even start describing the way Sasha’s heart feels five sizes too big and too small at the same time whenever Nicke gives him this rare, soft smile, as if it’s a secret, their secret. 

There has to be something bigger than just mere love to describe this – feeling. Existence. Like a state of being, it feels like on some days. 

Like he could live without Nicke and live a happy life, too, but…with Nicke, it will be a happier one, a good one, one he enjoys.


End file.
